Declassified Family Record

Rissoles, Arseholes, Sausages & Chips

RASC — Royal Army Service Corps. The food at the canteen was so bad, the officers renamed it themselves.

A memoir of being raised — barely — by the British Army, three continents, several near-arrests, and a father who once instructed men on Howitzer cannons but can't work a hearing aid.

By Kieron Dowling 38 Chapters 4 Continents 1 Family, Repeatedly Relocated

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Three young boys in cowboy costumes standing beside a caravan, circa 1950s England — Subjects Michael, Sean & Kieron. Cowboy costumes, contraband caravan. Location and year unconfirmed.

Subject Summary

Born the third son of a British Army captain who owned an actual sword, Kieron Dowling spent his childhood being shipped between postings his parents barely had time to unpack from — Dover, Düsseldorf, Hong Kong, Salisbury Plain, Zambia, Malawi — collecting rock cakes from guardhouse corporals, motorbikes bartered against university degrees, and a working knowledge of how much trouble two older brothers can generate before breakfast.

What follows is boarding school, a runaway voyage to England that ends in handcuffs, farming in Zambia, a very poor decision involving a boat named Elvis, three children, a business collapse, and — eventually — Western Australia. Told with the deadpan of a man who has genuinely seen it all and can't quite believe most of it either.

Exhibits From the File

Excerpts, lightly redacted for your protection. Click the black bars.

They handcuffed me.

Ch. 19 — Incarceration

The army had a private slogan: 'If something can't be eaten, moved or shagged, then paint it.'

Ch. 1 — Assailants of the Fort

Ted has an expression for an erection: Irish toothache.

Ch. 1 — Assailants of the Fort

A fascinating revelation burst forth in my brain: pigs' willies are really shaped like a corkscrew. It became a cocktail party piece I insisted everyone share.

Ch. 23 — Horny Larry and Danish Daphne

(These are all things that actually happened. There is no fiction disclaimer in this book, and that's the problem.)

The Complete Record

38 Chapters. No Regrets Reported.

Every chapter is also filed as audio testimony — tap ▶ to open the podcast.

01	Assailants of the Fort	Dover / Germany
02	Bonkers in Honkers	Hong Kong
03	Scooting and Looting	London
04	Brothers in Arms	Salisbury Plain
05	Getting Hooked	Woodbridge
06	The Town Bike	Germany / Spain / Italy
07	Incarceration	Ipswich
08	On Butterfly's Wings	Woodbridge / Singapore
09	Not so Great White Hunters	Zambia
10	Still on the Move	Zambia
11	A Letter from America	Broken Hill
12	A Shack and the not so Great White Hunters	Zambia
13	Six Tea Chests Turn Into Eight	Broken Hill
14	The Chev Apache	Broken Hill
15	Mike – The Return	Broken Hill
16	Heading South	Zambia / Durban
17	The Runaway	Zambia / South Africa
18	The Confessional	SS Chitral
19	Incarceration	London

20	The Mechanic from Hell	London
21	Farmboy	Broken Hill
22	Changes in the Air	Broken Hill / Lusaka
23	Horny Larry and Danish Daphne	Broken Hill
24	Chicken Man	Broken Hill
25	Firstborn and a Car Thief	Lusaka / Malawi
26	Another Exit	Malawi / England
27	Man of Cows	Compton
28	Computer Commuter	Seaford / Brighton
29	The Muti Man	Lusaka
30	No Accident	Botswana
31	The Settling Dust	Wadhurst / Kitwe
32	A 600 Nitro Express	Kitwe
33	Thunder Down Under	Perth
34	Captain Eyeball and Startrekker	Dampier
35	Elvis and Big Business	Perth
36	The Chateau	Thiviers, France
37	The Beginning of the End	Perth
38	Epilogue – The Fleecing of the Blessed	Two Rocks

About the Author

Kieron "Kit" Dowling grew up an Army brat with no fixed address and a talent for finding trouble on three continents before settling — more or less — in Western Australia. Rissoles, Arseholes, Sausages & Chips is his memoir. He is currently deciding whether the sequel needs a lawyer present.